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You Can't Do That on Television

Sketch TV by young amateur actors in true classic Nick-style. But whatever you do, never admit that you dont know or ask for water.

10 Votes (8.1)

1979 HD 30min Canada English Ended
Comedy Family

Credits:

Roger Damon Price

director

Christine McGlade

Les Lye

Adam Greydon Reid

Lisa Ruddy

Alasdair Gillis

Ruth Buzzi

Klea Scott

Alanis Morissette

Matthew Godfrey

Vanessa Lindores

S1E1 - Live! 1979-02-03

The main plot for this episode is unknown, but it featured a Panasonic radio as a prize for one of the phone-in competitions, as most of the episodes from this 1979 season. This episode also featured a segment on baton twirling. The episode contains the well-known scene where Ross (before a major costume revamp) teaches Jono Gebert how to do a weather forecast on an actual CJOH news/weather set.

S1E2 - Shoestring 1979-02-10

Tim constantly tries to get a date with Cindy, but keeps looking like a fool, losing her to Jim and David. To add insult to injury, he keeps being forced into wearing a dressâ€¦and he cant seem to find his pants, forcing him to go home wearing a bright, pink dress.

S1E3 - Nickel and Dime 1979-02-17

The main plot for this episode is unknown, but it featured kids jokes and opinions filmed at the Winterloo slide at Ottawas N.A.C.

S2E1 - Work, Work, Work 1981-01-24

The Muppets Get Suffed will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Christines dad makes her do work while hosting the show, so she keeps shovels a wheelbarrow full of dirt onto the set.

S2E2 - Transportation 1981-01-31

The Dukes of Hazard Line Up for Gas will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Ross spends most of the show making Christines life miserable by making her do many strange things like jump from an airplane without a parachute, forcing her to be shot, makes her sick by distorting the broadcast, has her stuffed into a trash can, and even has her mummified.

S2E3 - Strike Now 1981-02-07

Captain Kangaroo Robs a Bank will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Christine goes on strike demanding a raise. She eventually gets it, but discovers that she wont get paid for the time she was on strike, even though she was still on the show.

S2E4 - Dating 1981-02-14

Jaws meets the Love Boat will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Christine spends the entire show waiting for her boyfriend to call her, which he doesnt.

S2E5 - Fitness 1981-02-21

The Six Million Dollar Man Rusts to Bits will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Ross tries to make money by collecting his family allowances. He also tries to adopt Christine, who is using an exercise bike and some special effects to travel around the world.

S2E6 - Safety First 1981-02-28

Hit and Run on Sesame Street will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Despite her constant attempts to explain safety rules, bad things keep happening to Christine including electric shock and decapitation.

S2E7 - Sexual Equality 1981-03-07

The Dukes of Hazard Dress Up in Drag will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The rest of the cast is upset that Christine, as host, has an easier job. They trade places with her and all co-host the show, while she takes their positions in the sketches. In the end, she ends up on a quest to get Brodie slimed.

S2E8 - Personal Hygiene 1981-03-14

Jaws Eats Jacques Cousteau will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Christine hosts this episode from her bathtub at home. During the show she gets surprise visits from the cast and crew. The episode ends with her getting sucked down the drain.

S2E9 - Smoking 1981-03-21

Atomic Blast Levels Fantasy Island will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Jami admits that the only reason the Indians smoked was to kill the white settlers. He then tries to convince Christine to smoke.

S2E10 - Crime & Vandalism 1981-03-28

Mr. Rogers Vandalizes the Neighborhood will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The entire set is stolen piece by piece, including the microphones and Christines clothes.

S2E11 - Drugs 1981-04-04

Mr. Rogers, Neighborhood Pusher will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The cast uses pies as a substitute for pot to demonstrate the perils of drug use.

S2E12 - Nutrition 1981-04-11

Miss Piggy Eats Ham Sandwiches will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Christine explains the importance of a healthy diet, but ends up wearing more of the food then she eats.

S2E13 - Peer Pressure 1981-04-18

Sixty Minutes will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Lisa and Rodney keep trying to get Kevin to moon the cameras, but Christine stops them.

S3E1 - Cosmetics 1982-03-17

The Incredible Hulk Runs out of Deodorant will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Christine brings in a box of cosmetics and explains the use of each one. She offers advise about the dangers of using corn chip flavored lipstick.

S3E2 - Addictions 1982-03-24

Pacman Eats General Hospital will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Christine plays ATARI for the entire show, thus demonstrating how video games are addictive. In the sketches, many references are made to the soap General Hospital, and how addictive that is.

S3E3 - Popularity 1982-03-31

The Most Popular Kids Show on Television will not be seen at this time so that we may presentâ€¦ Ross holds a ""phone-in"" contest to see which cast member is the most popular. All the kids wear numbers so that viewers can clarify their voting. At the halfway point, Kevin (wearing 111) is first. In an attempt to get more votes, Christine trades her ballot number (872) for a lower number (0). In the end, Zilch (Darryl) wins the contest even though he wasnt in this episode. They discover he won because Christine wore his number zero.

S3E4 - Fads & Fashion 1982-04-07

Fred Sanford: Worlds Best Dressed Man will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The cast attempts to keep up with the latest fashions, which change about every two minutes.

S3E5 - Vacations 1982-04-14

The Love Boat Runs Aground Fantasy Island will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Christine goes on a trip to the beach to relax, only to run into the entire cast and crew of YCDTOTV, who are filming an episode.

S3E6 - Rip-Offs 1982-04-21

The Price is Right Raises their Prices will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Things around the set begin to malfunction. The risers collapse and the set begins to collapse. In the end, the entire studio collapses.

S3E7 - Bullying 1982-05-05

Mr. Rogers Bullies the Neighborhood will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Christine takes a self-defense class in order to protect herself from bullying from the other cast members.

S3E8 - Culture Junk 1982-05-12

Big Bird Dances Swan Lake will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The cast examines plays, literature, music, art, and theater. Christine is introduced to ""water music"".

S3E9 - Television 1982-07-07

You Cant Do That on Television cannot be seen at this time becauseâ€¦we couldnt do it. In its place, we present a show about television. Christine explains what goes on behind the scenes of a TV show. Along the way she gets every possible kind of slime dumped on her (and Vanessa).

S3E10 - Sports 1982-07-14

Howard Cosell Loses His Voice will not be seen becauseâ€¦nobody could be that lucky. Christine and Lisa host the show like sports commentators. Throughout the program, Christine tries a really bad Howard Cosell accent.

S3E11 - Heroes 1982-07-21

Conan the Librarian will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The cast takes a look at their favorite super-heroes. Lisa attempts to be Wonder Woman, but isnt very effective.

S3E12 - The Not-So-Fair Show 1982-07-28

Real People will not be seen at this time because we couldnt find any. In its place, we present the following unfair program. The cast complains about everything that is unfair with the world in 1982. To add insult to injury, the Unfairy Godmother stops by.

S3E13 - Growing Up 1982-08-04

My Three Sons of Frankenstein will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Christine tells us about all of her greatest fears. In the sketches, the cast talks about the pros and cons of getting older.

S4E1 - Pets 1983-10-05

Kermit the Frog Tries to Cross the Highway will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The cast looks at all of the pets people have, some normal, some very strange.

S4E2 - Rules & Regulations 1983-10-03

Mister Rogers Neighborhood will not be seen because the neighborhood has been declared unsafe. Ross forces the cast to follow new rules that the Union has made for child actors. Lisa is forced to eat a mud pie and loses her voice.

S4E3 - Manners or Bad Habits

Laverne and Shirley Go to Finishing School will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The shows producers have written a book of manners, which Christine tries to explain.

S4E4 - Medicine

General Hospital will not be seen at this time so that we may present... ""Doctor"" Lisa and ""nurse"" Luke help Christine, who has broken her leg just before show time.

S4E5 - Future World

Life on Earth will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Christine learns to tell fortunes using a crystal ball. The cast also looks at the world of computers, and how they can help with the routines of daily life.

S4E6 - Media 1983-10-03

You Cant Do That on Television will not be seen at this time so that we may present... In a drastic effort to improve ratings, Ross has Kevin burned at the stake. In the sketches, the cast looks at how advertisers try to get our attention.

S4E7 - Inequality: Kids vs. Adults

The following program contains scenes that may not be suitable for mature audiences. Juvenile discretion is advised. The adult dressing room catches fire, and the kids have to put it out. Then the kids have to sacrifice their clothes so that the adults can resume shooting Richard III. The sketches are about how different kids and adults are treated.

S4E8 - Nature

The Waltons Move to Mt. Saint Helens will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Kevin goes away on a camping trip, leaving Christine to listen to Lisas constant chatter.

S4E9 - Cooking

The Pillsbury Dough Boy (Serves Six) will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Christine takes up cooking, but she isnt good at it. They end up using her muffins as bricks.

S4E10 - Classical Music

Pavarotti Sings the Blues will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Christine takes up conducting as a hobby. In the sketches, the cast examines different musical instruments.

S4E11 - Rumors

Miss Piggy Sues the National Enquirer will not be seen at this time so that we may present... After the star is taken off her dressing room door and the locks are changed, rumors spread throughout the cast that Christine was fired.

S4E12 - Fame

Fame will not be seen at this time, but is desperately sought after by each member of our cast. Kevin decides to quit the show and become a big celebrity. He changes his name to Kevin Ilyanovich Rasputin Kubusheskie. Unfortunately, he isnt successful and he becomes desperate, resorting to playing the kid in the street interviews segment of the show, and even disguising himself as a letter in the closing credits.

S4E13 - Priorities

You Cant Do That on Television will not be seen today in order that we may get your priorities straight. Ross is too busy watching a baseball game on TV to direct the show, so the cast is on their own to make the show.

S5E1 - Friends

Laverne and Shirley Kill Each Other will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Christine is broke and the other cast members wont talk to her until she pays up what she owes them. In order to do the show, she pays them each a dollar to do their lines with her.

S5E2 - ESP - Magic Astrology

The Twilight Zone Gets Redeveloped will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The crew fears a ghost is haunting the studio when strange things start happening. Lisa decides to perform an exorcism to get rid of it. In the sketches, the cast pokes fun at ESP and astrology, as well as magic in sketches like Genie of the Electric Lamp.

S5E3 - Hobbies

Hobby Days will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Christine talks about fashion, her latest hobby.

S5E4 - History

The Six Wives of Henry VIII will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The cast parodies historical events, as Alasdair traces his family history and Christine writes a research essay.

S5E5 - Courage 1984-06-11

The Smurfs Meet Godzilla will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The cast must be brave to overcome stage fright as the shows ratings are higher then ever.

S5E6 - Body Parts

Real Peoples Armpits will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The shows cast competes to see who has the perfect body.

S5E7 - Marketing

Miss Piggy Sold to a Sausage Factory will not be seen at this time so that we may present... To raise money to keep the show on the air, the cast tries to sell water and green slime to viewers.

S5E8 - Foreign Countries

Around the World in 80 Days will not be seen at this time so that we may presentâ€¦ Ross appears interested in world travel and foreign cultures, like the rest of the cast. Actually, Ross is only interested in playing ""exchange bank.""

S5E9 - Literature

Masterpiece Theater will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Christine tries to become one of the shows writers, while Justin tries to track down the great author A. Nonymous. In the sketches, the cast looks at the classics of literature.

S5E10 - Moving

Mr. Rogers Gets Evicted will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Christines family moves into a new house in the hills.

S5E11 - Technology

The Electric Company Blows a Fuse will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The cast takes another look at computers and robots. In the process, Ross tests out an interactive poll system. Viewers are supposed to touch the superimposed green and red squares on the screens to determine what happens next. The result: in the space of four minutes, Luke gets shot, Vanessa is slimed, and Lisa is forced to not say anything.

S5E12 - Ambition

Dallas & Dynasty will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The cast explains their ambitions in life. Christine spends a lot of time explaining how she wants to be an actress.

S5E13 - Clubs

The Mickey Mouse Club will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Christine joins a health club, but isnt really interested in the clubs healthy atmosphere.

S5E14 - Holidays 1985-01-01

The A-Team Wreck Disneyland will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The cast tries to convince Ross to give them a holiday.

S5E15 - Colleges

The college football game scheduled at this time between MIT and UCLA will not be seen because ""mitucla"" is a dirty word in Arundi Barundi. Alasdair tries to get a video game scholarship to get into college.

S5E16 - Halloween

Boy George Without Makeup will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Christine puts a spell on Ross that causes evil ghosts to haunt him.

S5E17 - Christmas

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer Joins the A-Team will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Alasdair purchases a ton of mistletoe to try to get a kiss from one of the girls.

S5E18 - Politics

To Tell the Truth (with guest host Richard Nixon) will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Lisa is nominated by Christine to run for class president.

S5E19 - War

The Love Boat Goes on a Cruise Missile Cruise will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Alasdair forms an anti-war group (W.I.M.P.), while Ross argues that war is a necessary evil.

S5E20 - Science

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Wizard will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Alasdair tries to discover the formula for the green slime.

S5E21 - Divorce

Family Ties Get Untied will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The shows producer is getting divorced, and his wife takes half of the shows stuff.

S5E22 - Families

The Partridge Family Get Shot will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Ross nephew visits the show, but doesnt get along very well with the cast.

S5E23 - Malls / Hangouts

The A-Team Makes One Cup of Coffee Last 5 Hours will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Alasdair becomes a street musician, while Ross acts as his manager. The rest of the cast spends the entire show sitting around doing nothing.

S7E1 - Fairy Tales, Myths, and Legends

The A-Team Blows Up the Land of Oz will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The cast does many sketches about various fairy tales.

S7E2 - Pop Music

Bruce Springsteen Gets Laryngitis will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Alasdair believes that he will become a great rock star.

S7E3 - Know-It-Alls

Mr. Wizard Explains the Universe will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Nerdy Matthew annoys the entire cast.

S7E4 - Parties

Mr. T Goes to a Tupperware Party will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The cast gets Ross to throw them a party. What Ross does, however, is have a cardboard cake and water.

S7E5 - Garbage

Garbage of the Rich & Famous will not be seen at this time so that we may present... After local garbage men go on strike, the studio becomes a storage area for the citys garbage. Christine is carried out of the studio in a garbage bag.

S7E6 - TV Commercials

The Commercial Messages will not be seen at this time so that we may present... In the sketches, the cast does many parodies of TV commercials. They also try to sell some of Ross malfunctioning products as part of another get-rich-quick scheme.

S7E7 - Country

Waltons Mountain Becomes an Open Pit Mine will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The cast gets back to nature and make up the set like a farm.

S7E8 - Back to School

Lassie Flunks Obedience School will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Ross decided to tutor the cast. He covers everything from reading to advanced chemistry.

S7E9 - Illness

St. Elsewhere will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Everyone who has green slime dumped on them comes down with a mysterious flu.

S7E10 - Enemies & Paranoia

Hulk Hogan vs. Punkey Brewster in Mismatch of the Century will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Ross gets the cast ready for the arrival of the cast of the Russian version of YCDTOTV.

S7E11 - Savings 1987-01-02

J.R. Ewing Saves His Money to Buy a Skateboard will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Alasdair and Adam compete over the new girl in the cast, while at the same time trying to save money for a car.

S8E1 - Books and Reading

Reading Rambo will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The Librarian is very happy about this weeks episode being about reading, and gets ready for her first big scene. She becomes upset, however, that there are no sketches in this episode that take place in the library.

S8E2 - Adoption

The Huxtables Put Their Kids Up for Adoption will not be seen at this time so that we may present... This episode features many sketches about adoption and parents.

S8E3 - City Life

Crocodile Dundee Works in a City Bank will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Ross plans to take the cast to New York, but he is planning to keep them on leashes for safety.

S8E4 - Anniversaries

Santa Claus Forgets Christmas will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The cast becomes suspicious that Ross has put something in Doug and Vanessas food to keep them small, as the two celebrate their 5th anniversary on the show.

S8E5 - Smells

Rambos Armpits will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The cast has to test their knowledge of different smells.

S9E1 - Choice

Where No Man Has Gone Before will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Ted decides whether or not to tell Chris about his being turned down for a part in a Hollywood movie.

S9E2 - Chores

Hulk Hogan Tidies His Room will not be seen at this time so that we may present... In order to get the cast to clean the set, Ross makes the cleaning part of the sketches.

S9E3 - Communication

E.T. Phones Home and Gets a $1,000,000 Phone Bill will not be seen at this time so that we may present... An alien ship is approaching Earth and causes the shows transmission satellites to malfunction. The Aliens have come in search of Green Slime.

S9E4 - Fitness

Jane Fonda Overworked will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Kevin is having trouble writing this episode as it is being filmed. In the sketches, the cast makes fun of exercise programs. Ted, as the Fitness Genie, makes Rekhas fitness program impossible.

S9E5 - Malfunctions

Batmans Hairdryer Fries Robin will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The studios cameras keep breaking because of Teds ugliness.

S9E6 - Cleanliness

Mr. Clean Falls Into a Tar Pit will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Ross makes the cast wear sailor suits to prepare for a visit from the Senates Committee to Clean Television. In the end, the inspector only wants to be sure the camera lenses are clean.

S9E7 - Security

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turkeys will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The cast wants to take martial arts lessons, but have to teach themselves because the shows budget cant afford an instructor.

S9E8 - Pollution

The Love Boat Becomes a Garbage Barge will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The cast talks about the major dangers to the environment.

S9E9 - Fantasy

Fantasy Island Becomes a Volcano will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Ross has a box that can grant anyones wishes. He plans to give it to the producers daughter. The rest of the cast has all their dreams come true.

S9E10 - Time

The Days of Our Lives will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The budget for the show has been cut so it must be filmed in black and white. All the kids go into a decolorization machine. When the producers realize that color shows are more profitable the kids cant switch back. In their attempts to overcome the glitch, they turn the show into a silent movie at the end.

S9E11 - Mistakes

George Bush Shoots the Wrong Quail will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The cast looks at their mistakes, and Ross has to confront some of his errors.

S9E12 - Punishments

Mothers of the World Paddle Rambo will not be seen at this time so that we may present... To improve the ratings, and to punish the cast for bad acting, Ross sees to it that at least one cast member is slimed between each sketch.

S9E13 - Beliefs

Elvis Presley Is Alive and Working In a Supermarket will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The cast debates the fantasy and reality of peoples beliefs.

S9E14 - Age

Michael Jackson Gets Old and Wrinkled will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Ross drags Vanessa back onto the show 3 years after she left because she still has an episode under her contract (because the Adoption episode was banned). Meanwhile, Chris is nervous about being fired because of his upcoming birthday and fear that he has reached ""the age"".

S9E15 - Excess

The Fat Boys Eat New York will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The show deals with the problems of excess: too much slime, too many cast members, too much wardrobe, etc...

S9E16 - Cool

Pee-Wee Herman Wins the Mr. Macho America Contest will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The cast is willing to do anything to become cool.

S9E17 - Lost

Superman Loses His Tights will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Nick enlists the help of the Genie of the Lost Sock to find Chris jacket and a camera the Nick borrowed from Ross. In the search, he finds everything that every cast member of the show since it first went on the air had lost.

S9E18 - Failure

Ross doesnt show up for work, leaving the kids to run this weeks show.

S9E19 - First Times

The Wright Brothers Lost Their Luggage will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Ross tries to improve the shows ratings by having this episode be the first to be shot in several different locations.

S9E20 - Celebrations

Parents and Teachers Celebrate the Cancellation of You Cant Do That On Television will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Ross decides to show how all of the countries around the world celebrate special events.

S9E21 - Effort

Rambo Thinks will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Some of the cast members try to do certain things, all unsuccessfully. Nick tries to remember his name, Sariya tries to keep her new hairstyle from getting slimed, Christian tries to nice to Jennifer, and Jennifer tries to wear a dress.

S9E22 - Sports

Roseanne Barr Goes Synchronized Swimming will not be seen at this time so that we may present... Ross goes sports crazy. He makes Chris use the eternal flame to light the gas grill, causing him to blow up, he uses special effects to give Carlos athletes foot, and he uses a ""Test Your Strength"" machine to scam the cast out of money.

S9E23 - Smoking

Green Slime is Scraped from Smokers Lungs will not be seen at this time so that we may present... The cast really begins to think that green slime is made from the mucus from the lungs of smokers.

S9E24 - Generosity

Batman Gives Away His Batmobile will not be seen at this time so that we may present... In order to get him slimed, Chris lets Patrick do the introduction. The make-up lady makes Stephanie look like a senior citizen. When the boom mike breaks, Ross makes Christian hang from the ceiling to operate the mike.