The Bernie Mac Show

In the pilot, much to his chagrin, Bernie and Wanda are forced to take care of his sisters three children, Vanessa, Jordan, and Bryanna since she can no longer take care of them anymore.

Jordan is tormented by bullies at school, so Bernie teaches him some moves that unfortunately turn Jordan into a monster.

Bernie and Wanda bring the kids to church to discipline them, but Bernie ends up being the immature one. Later on, the Bishop and Deacon show up at Bernies house during his poker night and suggest that Bernie allow them to use his house for bible study.

The kids get a dog from the pound, thinking it will be the perfect present for Bernie. Bernie finds the dog, hides it, thinking it is the perfect present for the kisd. They think he took it back to the pound, so they try and get revenge.

On a hot day, Vanessa detours the familys trip to the water park. Back at home, the kids act wild and the air conditioning breaks.

when Bernie realizes that anything he says to Jordan and Bryana first goes through Vanessa, he decides to stop fighting the situation and let Vanessa be responsible for the kids.

Bernie is booked on a popular morning radio show, and he gets himself into trouble with the whole family when he draws from his private life to bring comedy to the public airwaves.

When someone breaks into the Mac house, Bernie realizes how vulnerable his family is and turns the house into a high-security compound. Bernie is reminded by his friends of all the crime that happens outside of the home and drives his family crazy with his overprotectiveness.

After hearing Bernie use inappropriate language at home, Bryana goes to school and repeats it—much to the horror of her teacher. Soon after, a social worker shows up at the house to discuss Bernies hostility problems.

Bernie takes Jordan to a Clippers game but tells Wanda that Jordan has had an asthma attack and had to go to the hospital. Wanda tries to help Jordan feel better. He feels guilty and asks Bernie if he can admit his wrongdoing. Bernie explains that it is occasionaly ok to lie, but Jordan takes it to a whole new level. He manipulates his sisters, aunt, school, and even Bernie. When the family has dinner a slew of lies are admitted by everyone in the family.

Bernie takes the entire family to Chicago for the funeral of a beloved uncle, but his cousins scheming mars the trip.

Its Bernie who acts like a kid when Wanda teams with him in a charity golf tournament. Bernie sees it as a grudge match against the host, Matt Damon, who has been claiming he consistently outshot ""Mac Man"" while they were filming Oceans Eleven. Bernie savors the thought of beating the Oscar winner in public—but his confidence wavers when he learns that Damons warriorlike playing partner in the best-ball event is Lucy Lawless.

Bernie is delighted that the kids are in a carpool because it means he will only have to drive them to school two days a week. The delight is short-lived when the carpool becomes more complicated. Jordan teases one of the boys in the car, so Bernie makes Jordan set up a playdate with him. Eventually the boy starts blackmailing Jordan to be his friend, and the boys father wont stop bothering Bernie.

Jordans homework of caring for a snake has Bryanna clamoring for her own pet. Wildlife expert Jules Sylvester counsels Bernie.

To ensure he has enough turkey at Thanksgiving, Bernie makes his own personal, no-kids-allowed bird—which comes out undercooked, thanks to Jordan. But Bernie plows through anyway, only to suffer a ravaging illness that prompts two disturbing dreams. In the first, he and Jordan are claymation characters in a cartoon universe, where Bernie takes a measure of revenge by capturing his young ""jive turkey."" In the other, Bernie and Wanda are flying to a kid-free tropical vacation—until he spots a demonic Vanessa on the wing of the plane.

Don Rickles plays a neighbor who dispenses some unorthodox advice when Bernie is told he has high cholesterol. Though its a sore shoulder—and badgering from Wanda—that sends Bernie to the doctor, he comes away sore at the physician for weighing him down with bad news. The problem can be controlled through diet and exercise, but that would mean avoiding the finer things to which big Mac is accustomed...like fries from Royal Burger. But neighborly Dr. Rickles suggests that stress is the real problem, and what causes stress? Why, dieting, of course! And thats the case Bernie presents to an incredulous Wanda.

Wesley Snipes takes a genial comic spin as Wandas easygoing boss, Duke, who invites the couple to a dinner party. Feeling as if the kids are ""turning my brain into mush,"" Bernie relishes this rare opportunity for adult conversation. But playing a parlor game underscores just how much being around the kids has influenced Bernie — asked to name something that flies, he submits ""Tinkerbell"" — and he takes some, well, kidding, from the Duke. Back at home, Vanessa baby-sits her siblings and takes matters into her own hand when Jordan gets troublesome.

Bernie and Wanda attend Vanessas parent night at her school. They are shocked to find that her teacher likes her, and thinks she is not being challenged enough, so he suggests she run for class president. Jordan is upset when he puts his time into making a dung beetle project, but ends up only getting the huge pile of dung done. So Bernie decides to help Jordan on his next project, which turns out to be a VERY detailed model of an old building, but Bernie does all the work. Vanessa also asks Bernie to help her on her campaign, so Bernie appears as many characters in her video of why she should be allected. It goes over so well that Vanessa asks Bernie to compete in the school talent show, to help along her campaign. Meanwhile, Jordans project turns out great, but Bernie doesnt know that Jordan has decided to make a few extra things. He changes the roof, throws in some plastic people, and sets it on fire, laughing hysterically. Bernie trips on pieces of it, trying to put the fire out

Chris Rock and Jay Leno guest star, as Bernie takes a long-standing grudge against Rock all the way to The Tonight Show. Upset after seeing Rock get preferential treatment at a doctors office, Bernies blood boils even more when his poker buddies fall all over his fellow comic, who drops by to tell Bernie that they will be co-hosting an awards show. Thats not cool with Bernie, who maintains that back in their early days as stand-ups, Chris once told a joke on stage that Bernie had told him just moments before. The situation comes to a head when theyre booked on Leno, whos unaware of the rift between the two.

Tired of having to run to the store all the time for the kids, Bernie Macs friends introduce him to Cost Depot. At first this solution is so simple/fun but it soon gets very addicting.

After enrolling his kids in a slew of extracurricular activities, Bernie suddenly finds his own free time disappearing when he is selected to be an activities suprvisor.

Wandas parents, Lloyd and Leora, visit the Mac household. Bernie and Wanda first think the visit will be good for the kids. But Lloyd and Leora start to give them more then they bargained for when hey start to criticize Bernie and Wandas parenting skills. Bernie and Wanda decide to let the grandparents take care of the kids and leave for several hours. When they return, Bernie and Wanda tell Lloyd and Leora how they feel and decide the best thing is for the grandparents to leave. When Vanessa finds out, she is very upset because Leora did not tell her parents that a boy kissed her. Everyone makes up and decide to leave parenting to Bernie and Wanda.

Jordan tries out for the basketball team, but the coach decides he is better suited for gymnastics -- as a ribbon dancer. Meanwhile, Wanda coaches Bryanas soccer team and turns her into a lean, mean soccer machine.

Bernie tries to instill a sense of old-school Christmas tradition in the kids but when they become obsessed with gift-getting Bernie decides to cancel Christmas altogether. Meanwhile, new Senior VP Wanda overcompensates for her promotion by trying to find a gift for everyone on her staff which distracts her from catching the Christmas spirit.

Bernie finds out that Jordan has been getting haircuts with Wanda and the girls at a beauty salon and decides its time to take him to Bernies favorite barbershop downtown so Jordan can learn to be one of the guys. There they talk sports, politics, community and most importantly -- smack. But things backfire when Jordans first attempt at smack-talking hits a nerve with Earl, the barbershop owner, who throws the two out of his shop. Meanwhile, the girls bond with Wanda when they team up to figure out how to change the batteries in the incessantly beeping home smoke detectors.

When Wanda quits her job after getting passed up for a promotion, she tries to re-channel her energies toward Bernie. The togetherness starts to wear thin, however, when she upsets Bernies writing process as he prepares for his talk show appearance on ""The Ellen DeGeneres Show"". Meanwhile, Jordan wants to become friends with the big boys on the block, and figures the best way to do it is to hook one of them up with his older sister, Vanessa.

Bernie takes a film role because it stars Bryanas favorite character, Droobie, a Barney-like dinosaur. Bryana, unable to separate fiction and reality, is upset with Bernie because he plays the villain in the film and is mean to her cherished Droobie. She gives Bernie the silent treatment, and his plan to show her that the two are friends goes terribly wrong when Bryana catches him stuffing the Droobie costume into the trunk of a car and thinks he has killed her favorite dinosaur. Meanwhile, Jordan is selling candy bars to raise money for his school but is not having an easy time of it. To ease his pressure, Jordan eats the candy bars and then must come up with a way to pay the school back.

Bernies in-laws pay the family a visit and, as usual, Bernie and Wandas father, Lloyd, bicker continuously. Wanda asks Bernie to go easy on Lloyd this time as her parents are having money problems and cannot buy a new Cadillac. But even when Bernie offers to buy the car, Lloyd refuses because its not the top-of-the line model he wants. Meanwhile, we learn why the two men dont get along in a series of flashbacks, as Bernie takes us back to when he met Wanda and her father didnt approve of his daughter dating a comic delivery man who told jokes on the subway.

Bernie doesnt like it that Bryannas education consists of playing in the sandbox, tag and tiddlywinks, and he begins to question the teaching methods at the Wellington School. So Bernie volunteers as a teachers helper for a week to see for himself. Things go wrong from the start when he demands respect from the kids and asks them to call him Mr. Mac instead of by his first name, as they do with the other adults at the school. When he gets resistance from the kids, the teachers tell Bernie that since he does not respect the Wellington way he must be on his way. He takes Bryanna with him but enrolling her in a new school isnt as easy as it seems. Meanwhile, Wanda thinks she can reason with Vanessa and Jordan and resists using violence against violence to get them to stop fighting, but shes beginning to think its the only thing that will work.

Bernie is tired of living in a child-friendly house and having to give up all of his favorite things because of the kids. When the studio gives him a motorcycle and Wanda suggests that he give it to charity because it is unsafe, he puts his foot down and decides to keep it until he crashes, passes out and sees what the Mac house would be like without him. When he comes to, he realizes that Wanda is right, and he child-proofs everything in the house and becomes over-protective of the kids. Meanwhile, Jordan is caught trying to sell Bernies girlie magazines to the boys at school and Bernie and Wanda are called into another meeting with Father Cronin.

Bernie believes that he is the master of all pranks until his neighbor Carl Reiner, Wanda, and the kids join forces against him for the ultimate practical joke. They make Bernie believe that he accidentally killed Carls beloved dog with rat poison. But it isnt until Ashton Kutcher comes into the picture that Bernie is put in his place.

Bernie catches Jordan looking at his mens magazines and playing provocative video games, so Wanda tells him its time for Jordan to learn about the ""birds and the bees."" Bernie is having trouble getting the words out, so he stops by the Playboy Mansion to get advice from the expert, Hugh Hefner. When Jordan thinks he got a girl pregnant by kissing her, Bernie realizes its time for the talk.

Bernies birthday is here and the family does not notice and Bernie begins getting jealous about an old lady shocking him with a stun gun, seeing a kid celebrate his birthday at Jungle Garden and getting locked out. Guest appearances by George Clinton, Daniella Monet and Jill Talley.

Vanessa confronts Bernie for looking through her things; Bernie buys security cameras to see what the familys doing, which more he bargained for. Guest appearance by Snoop Dogg.

Bernie is hoping for some peace and quiet as he prepares for a performance that night, but he must deal with the kids when Wandas business meeting runs long.

Bryana accidentally walks in on Bernie getting ready for his bath. Vanessa is not happy when Bryana moves into her room. Bernie and Wanda decide that it may be time to remodel the house, much to the dismay of Bernies wallet.

Bernie and Wanda are not satisfied with Bryanas test scores, and decide to enroll her at Jordans school. As a result, Jordan is depressed because the kids at school think hes a nerd.

Wanda decides to enroll the kids in an organization that teaches social skills to young people, with Vanessa instantly making new friends, who manage to get themselves into trouble & in mall jail.

Bernie is happy that Vanessa has joined the Spirit Squad, until he sees the racey costumes and provocative routines. Jordan enlists Bryana and her friends to help him sell a product.

When Jordan develops a crush on a girl, Bernie teaches Jordan how to be a "player". Vanessa wants to attend a hip-hop concert.

Bernie wants to encourage Vanessas burgeoning musical talent. Guest appearance by Isaac Hayes.

Bryan, Bryannas father, shows up to spend more time with his daughter-and ends up spoiling her.

Berine better put his money where his mouth is when he agrees to Charles Barkleys bet that he will beat Bernie’s time in a 10-K charity race.

Jordan turns 13, but still acts like a monster fighting with Bryana. Eventually Jordan lets Bryana walk all over him to avoid further punishment. When he gets his gifts back, Bernie holds back an R-rated movie. Later when Bernie asks Jordan to babysit Bryana one night, Jordan accepts just so he can watch the R-rated movie behind his back.

The kids finally cross Aunt Wandas line while Bernies away. Bernie gives Aunt Wanda "Big Mamas Belt" to keep them in line. The kids wind up fearing her even more than Bernie Mac.

After misbehaving yet again, Bernie punishes Bryana and Jordan severely. Yet again Wanda thinks hes being too hard on them. But in the end, she catches on. Vanessa turns out to be the sneakiest of them all.

This episode Bernie and Wanda seriously discuss adopting the children as their own. They talk about it in the car dealership where I try and sell them a car.

After several failed attempts, Bernie and Wanda realize that making a baby is harder than they thought, and Wanda begins to question their fertility.

Jordan and Bernie Mac start a fantasy football league but do poor; and Bernie Mac wont really listen to Jordan. With that, Jordan eventually goes to a different league secretly behind Bernie Macs back. Vanessa primps herself up with make-up for her senior photo. Bryana wants some of the make up too, so Vanessa gives her some of her old makeup. But Bryana gets caught with it at school.

Baby girls daddy Brian helps out around the house and the kids start preferring him over their Uncle Bernie causing Bernie Mac to take offense. Baby girl gets called flat chested at school and Brian and Bernie fight over who gets to buy her a new bra. Jordan competes for best smile at school.

Jordan dates Erica, one of the cheerleaders at school. Bernie is delighted, but when Jordan and Erica break up, he tries to remedy the situation.

Bernie makes Vanessa prove she can manage her money.